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双语读剧:Call me by ...(一)59:说出来好,还是死好?

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qinting

2018年10月20日

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The secret was out of my body. So what if he saw. So what if he caught me. So what, so what, so what.
On my way from his room to mine I wondered if I’d ever be mad enough to try the same thing again.
That evening I caught myself keeping careful tabs on where everyone was in the house. The shameful urge was upon me sooner than I’d ever imagined. It would have taken nothing to sneak back upstairs.
 
秘密自我的身躯脱离。就算他看到又怎样?就算他抓到我又怎样?怎样?怎样?怎样?
从他房间走回我房间的路上,我怀疑自己会不会疯狂到再次尝试相同的事。
那天晚上我发觉自己小心监视着每个人在屋里的位置。羞耻的强烈冲动来得比我想象的还快。我随时能毫不犹豫地偷偷溜回楼上。
 

 
While reading in my father’s library one evening, I came upon the story of a handsome young knight who is madly in love with a princess. She too is in love with him, though she seems not to be entirely aware of it, and despite the friendship that blossoms between them, or perhaps because of that very friendship, he finds himself so humbled and speechless owing to her forbidding candor that he is totally unable to bring up the subject of his love. One day he asks her point-blank: “Is it better to speak or die?”
I’d never even have the courage to ask such a question.
 
有一天晚上我在父亲的书房里读书,读到一位年轻英俊的骑士疯狂地爱上公主的故事。公主也爱他,但似乎并未意识到这一点,所以尽管两人交情匪浅,或者正因为他们之间隔着一道友谊的防线,他发现自己因为公主令人生畏的坦白直率而变得非常卑微、无言以对,完全无法向公主诉说自己的爱意。有一天他直截了当问公主:“说出来好,还是死好?”
我绝对连问这种问题的勇气也没有。
 
But what I’d spoken into his pillow revealed to me that, at least for a moment, I’d rehearsed the truth, gotten it out into the open, that I had in fact enjoyed speaking it, and if he happened to pass by at the very moment I was muttering things I wouldn’t have dared speak to my own face in the mirror, I wouldn’t have cared, wouldn’t have minded—let him know, let him see, let him pass judgment too if he wants—just don’t tell the world—even if you’re the world for me right now, even if in your eyes stands a horrified, scornful world. That steely look of yours, Oliver, I’d rather die than face it once I’ve told you.
 
但我对他的枕头说的话让我发现,至少有那么一刻,真相曾经上演,开诚布公,我已经享受过说出来的快感。即便我低声嘟嚷那些我甚至不敢对着镜中的自己说的话,如果那时他碰巧经过,我也不在乎,不介意了。让他知道吧,让他看见吧,如果他想要的话,也让他判决吧。只要不公之于世就好。即使现在你就是我的世界,即使你眼中立着一个震惊、鄙夷的世界。奥利弗,一旦我告诉你,我宁可死也不愿面对你那钢铁般冷酷的眼神。
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